It's Raining Men!
by Ms-Lady-Phoenix
Summary: In an AU/All Human world, Bella and Jacob meet under odd circumstances that lead to even ODDER events happening. Sexual humor, crude humor, and hey, even a wax penis is thrown in. B/J pairing


_**A/N;**_** Well, I'm back once more, this time, I SWEAR I'll try to complete this story. It'll be a short story. I actually have a Beta this time. Yay! But, I was listening to this song the other day, _It's Raing Men_ and it seemed like to good of an idea to pass up. Well, I hope you enjoy! **

**And a very special thanks to miss Tiffany, for helping me hone this idea to the peice in which to read today! YOU ROCK CHICA!**

_**Disclaimer: Once again, I do not, and WILL NOT ever own Twilight, even though I do admire the authers who do own them.**_

I stepped outside into the bright sun and was momentarily blinded. New York was so much more different than dull, rainy old Forks, Washington.

I put two fingers in my mouth and whistled loudly, a trick I had acquired from living here. A bright yellow taxi drove by the curb and I quickly opened the door and got in, having learned that if not fast enough, someone WILL take you cab. I also remember that it had been raining that day as well. As I became situated in the cab, the cabby screwed with the radio dial.

"Twenty-third and Broadway, please." I said to the cabby man with a turban. He nodded and finally chose a station.

_"__It's Raining Men__! __Hallelujah__!_

_It's Raining Men! Every Specimen!_

_Tall, blonde, dark and lean_

_Rough and tough and strong and mean."_ blared into the small cab.

Right as the cabby puts the car into drive, a thud rocked the entire cab. My head shot to look out the front window to see a man on top of the hood. A man was on top of the hood. I blink a few times to make sure that a man really was on top of the hood.

Yup.

I rushed out of the cab to see if he's dead . . . I mean . . . to see if he's alright.

He groand as he tried to sit up.

"Are you alright?" I asked him.

"No lady, I like to fall on top of cabs daily just to see if I get hurt. Yeah, I'm alright."

I roll my eyes as he sat up.

"Can I at least take you to the hospital to see if you have a concussion or something?"

"No thanks lady, I've got a job to finish."

"Surly your job can wait. I'm sure you're boss'll be happy that you won't die tonight when you fall asleep."

"I am my boss, and if I don't finish this job in an hour, I won't be happy 'cause I didn't get paid. It can wait."

"C'mon, I insist! I'll give ya a ride there."

"Sure, fine, if it'll shut you up, gladly!"

I smiled to myself as he slid off the hood and walked slowly to the car, slightly limping on the way. When he got into the cab I slid in and told the turbaned man to head to All Saints Hospital.

He noded and we got there quickly. I helped the man out of the car and got a better look of him. Tall, dark (of Native American descent, I assume), and handsome. With hair coming up to brush along his ears. He had overalls on over a white shirt that had seen better days of being washed. He looked over at me and his eyes were a deep charcoal. He raised his eyes at me expectantly and I averted my gaze, blushing cherry red.

Out of the corner of my eye, I could see him smirk. Bastard.

When we walked into the hospital lobby one of the nurses recognized me and told me that Dr. Cooper was in. She said that we could just go to into a room and he would be in shortly.

I opened a door and ushered the handsome nameless man into the room.

He sat on the tissue covered table, taking in the pale yellow walls with painted pictures of the sea.

Dr. Cooper walked in and smiled at me.

You see, I'm a natural klutz, so I visit here often enough to where I get discounts occasionally. Dr. Cooper and I go way back.

"Another accident Bella?"

"No, actually, um, this guy," I motioned to the man next to me, "fell on the Taxi I was in, after work, so I brought him here. You know, good Samaritan that I am and all." Dr. C laughed slightly at that as he shinned his light into Handsome Man's eyes beside me.

"What's your name, son?" Dr. Cooper asked.

"Jacob Black, sir."

"And why did you fall on top of a taxi, Mr. Black?"

"I'm a window washer sir, and I fell off the side, trying to get at a certain spot."

"Mhmm." He checked Jacob's legs for a reaction.

"So, Doc, what's the deal? Can I go back to work now?"

"I'm afraid not, Mr. Black, you have a concussion. You can go home and not sleep, or stay here and not sleep then have a giant doctor's bill when you get home. Your choice."

Jacob groaned.

"Well, can I get some pain killers here before I head home?"

Dr. Cooper nodded and opened a drawer to his left.

"Now Mr. Black, this is very strong and will take affect soon, alright?"

"No prob, Doc. I'm like a horse; it'll take a lot to knock me out."

Dr. Cooper shared a look with me before handing him a pill. Jacob threw back his head and swallowed it.

I knew for a fact that two of those pills could knock out a bull elephant. Twenty-five milligrams and I was loopier than a box of Fruit Loops.

And true to Dr. Cooper's word, within five minutes, Jacob was _out of it_. He looked at one of the paintings above my head and burst into giggles.

"Well, Mr. Black, I've done all I can do for you today. If you'll come back in a week or so, I'll be happy to give you a clean bill of health. Until then, take care of yourself and don't fall asleep tonight. I'll see ya around Bella."

"Thank you so much Dr. Cooper. You've really been a lot of help today."

"Bella, come now, you've known me long enough to be able to call me Carlisle."

Jacob perked up at Dr. Coop- I mean at _Carlisle__'s_ name, "Wait, Dr. Carlisle? Are you related to Belinda? The chick that sang "Heaven is a Place on Earth?"

Carlisle looked to Jacob, then to me and says, "You know, that's the first time someone's ever asked me that."

I stared at them both for a moment before bursting into hysteric giggles.

**xXx**

Getting Jacob into the Taxi was easier than getting him out of it, let me tell you. He decided to tell me all about his childhood and how when he was in eighth grade, almost every night involved a wet dream about his fourth period art class teacher.

I tried to rush him to the elevator and prayed that no one would be out in the halls. We luckily made it to my apartment without any problems. Jake continued to tell me that in tenth grade, while watching another girl do her project in science class, he burned off his eyebrows and they wouldn't grow back till nearly the end of the year.

We made it back into my living room without any physical injury. Mental injury, on my part though, was a different story.

Jacob was a very . . . physical person I soon learned. Mainly by coping a feel of my ass.

I was able to drag him, slowly, to my bed. He didn't want to cooperate. By the time we made it to the hallway to my room, he was almost half asleep.

"C'mon Jacob! Carlisle said you're not 'spossed to fall asleep!" The only reply I received was a loud snore that could have woke the dead.

We were beside my bed at that point. I dropped his arms back down by his sides. I contemplated him for a moment. I had a - for all intents and purposes - a very hot dead man in my room.

That with a few quick movements could be a very hot dead _naked_ man.

A very hot, dead naked man that I could have my way with and he would never know.

Hmmm.

I gently poked him with my foot.

He snored even louder and turned on his side. Damn.

I sighed deeply, took one of his hands, and heaved him onto my bed. His torso was barely on it and I was already out of breath.

I went back over to his side, grabbed his feet, hefted those onto the bed, and then simply rolled him to the middle. I yanked his shoes off his feet and threw them over my shoulder, hoping I didn't hit the wall. I grabbed the blanket off the edge of the bed and haphazardly threw it on him. Grabbing a pillow I headed back for the living room to my lovely leather couch.

**xXx**

Around eight thirty the next morning, my cell phone woke me up. It took me a moment to remember the Hot Window Washer named Jacob Black was possibly dead in my bed.

I quickly jumped up off the couch and ran to my bed. Before I opened the door I could hear his jack hammer snores and sighed with relief. I opened the door and made my way over to the side that Jacob had thrown himself on. I poked Jacob in the stomach repeatedly.

His bleary charcoal eyes met mine and he let out a great yawn, stretching his large limbs. He turned his head over to me and studied my features for a moment before he asked calmly, "Did we sleep together?"

I blushed crimson before shaking my head negatively.

"You fell on the taxi I was in. I brought you to the hospital and Dr. Cooper gave you some meds that made you seem drunk. I didn't know where you lived so I brought you here."

"Ah." Jacob nodded his head and looked around my room.

"Do you want breakfast?"

He nodded and I left my room to head into the kitchen. I looked through my cabinets. I hoped Jacob liked Capt'n Crunch.

I heard Jacob's silent footsteps on the hardwood floor. I turned to him and smiled, but noticed him looking at something in my living room. My eyes became as large as saucers as I realized what he was looking at so intently.

He tilted his head to the side slightly.

"Is that a giant wax penis?"

He looked over to me and I could do nothing but blush crimson.

"Uh, yeah, eh, my, uh, Brother-in-Law, urm, sent it as a gag gift for my birthday. I haven't figured out how to get rid of it though."

Jacob nodded slightly then said, "You should keep it. It adds color to the room."

I nodded and handed the box of cereal and a bowl to him. I told him I was going to go take a shower and to make himself at home.

I could not leave that kitchen any faster than I did.

_**END**_


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